Funny jokes

[typedef]

[TGIF]
Q: Why does a blonde write TGIF on the inside of her shoes?
A: To remind her that Toes Go In First.

[Dumb blond swimming]
On a deserted island there were three women, a blond a brunette and a redhead. They needed to get back to the mainland and the only way was by swimming. The redhead goes first. She makes it a quarter of the way then drowns. The brunnette goes second. She makes it one third of the way then drowns.The blonde comes last. She makes it one half of the way, gets tired and then turns back.
[School and blonde]
There is a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead and they are all in third grade.Which one has the biggest breasts? The blonde because she is 18.

[Blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York]
What is the difference between a blonde and the grand old duke of york? The grand old duke of york only had 10000 men.
How do you keep a blonde busy? see below.

[Busy blonde]
How do you keep a blonde busy? see above.
[What do you do if a blond throws a pin at you?]

What do you do if a blond throws a pin at you ???
Run like hell cause she got a grenade in her hand!

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funny pickup lines

Baby did you fart, 'cause you blow me away!
Champaign can be tickly, and so can I.
Coffee? Tea? Me?
Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number?
Don't walk into that building -- the sprinklers might go off!
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

Guy: Can i see your hand? (he draws a little river then a bunny on one side and says he can't get to the other side because he will go glub glub glub.) Gal: What was the point of that? Guy : Just wanted an excuse to hold your hand.

Guy: Did I see u somewhere? Girl: No Guy: Then I must of seen you in my dreams! (works everytime)
Hey, I lost my phone number ... Can I have yours?

I tried to find the perfect line to make you mine, sweetheart, but after searching all I could come up with was this look in my eyes and your hand in mine, and the words, will you be mine?

[Computer Geek Pick-up Lines]

You had me at "Hello World."
You can put a Trojan on my Hard Drive anytime.
My 'up-time' is better than BSD.
Are you an angel, because your texture mapping is divine!
You've stolen the ASCII to my heart.
You got me stuck on Caps Lock, if you know what I mean.
How about we do a little peer-to-peer saliva swapping?
Mind if I run a sniffer to see if your ports are open?
Your beauty rivals the graphics of Doom 3.
You must be Windows 95 because you gots me so unstable.
I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up.
Want to see my Red Hat?
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
You put the SPARC in my workstation.
You make my software turn into hardware!
Isn't your e-mail address [email protected]?
I'd switch to emacs for you.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a chatroom like this?
No, that's not a Logitech MX-100 in my pants, but thanks for noticing.
Nice Set of Floppies!
I think you could be an integral part of my project life cycle.
If you have an empty slot, I have the card to fill it.
Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.
I'd like to play on your laptop.
Come to my 127.0.0.1 and I’ll give you sudo access.
If you were an ISP I'd dial you all day long.
I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video.
I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen.
Your homepage or mine?
Hey Baby, Let me hack your kernel
No, that's not an iPod mini in my pocket. I'm just happy to see you.
Computer techs have skilled fingers if you know what I mean
Want to come see my HARD Disk? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy.
Need me to unzip your files?
How about we go home and you handle my exception?

[Zach]

i lol'd at the nerd pickup lines

[typedef]

WHY WE HAVE SO MANY TEMPLES, IF GOD IS EVERYWHERE ?
A WISE MAN SAID : AIR IS EVERYWHERE, BUT WE STILL NEED A FAN TO FEEL IT .

SOLDIER : SIR WE ARE SURROUNDED FROM ALL SIDES BY ENEMIES !
MAJOR : EXCELLENT ! WE CAN ATTACK IN ANY DIRECTION.

He was happily married - but his wife wasn’t.

Keep talking. I always yawn when I’m interested.

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can’t count that high.

There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.

Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being.

We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you’ve never used it.
[FUNNY CAR NAMES]
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed -> - > -> -> -> -> -> -> lol

BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

[Excuses Written By Parents]
1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father’s fault.

4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.

[Funny Definitions]
Beauty Parlor:
A place where women curl up and dye

Cannibal:
Someone who is fed up with people

Dust:
Mud with the juice squeezed out

Egotist:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation

Gossip:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage

Handkerchief:
Cold storage

Inflation:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper

Raisin:
Grape with a sunburn lol

Tomorrow:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today

Microsoft vs GM
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.”

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, “Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?”

And…

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

Net Addiction
Top Signs of Net Addiction
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You get a tattoo that reads “This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3 or higher.”

You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap…and your child in the overhead compartment.

You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
You laugh at people with 28,800 modems.

Mad Cow Signs
Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.

She refuses to let you milk her, saying “Not on the first date.”

Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.

Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow’s body.

Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.

Your cow insists that evaporated milk comes from dehydrated cows.

She starts giving you Milk of Magnesia.

Why Golf Is Better Than Sex
Top 10 reasons why golf is better than sex:
1. Choice of public or private courses

2. Lessons are available

3. If you’re good you can turn pro and do it full time

4. Can clean balls at every hole

5. Choice of wood, aluminium or graphite

6. The less strokes the better

7. If you lose a ball, you still have two left

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more to come gota take a break

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CHINESE PHRASES

Shai Gai: A bashful person

Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?

Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive

Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile

Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?

Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice.

Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host

Kum Hia: Approach me

Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table

[pspman]

lol ROFLMAO!

[Zavoo]

lol :))

[khy]

that's great jokes!
good work

[2348z]

lol :)

[BloxyWorld]

LOL, Halarious.

[inferno]

The Chinese phrases were my favorite, lol!

[typedef]

[TOOT !! TOOT !! ALL ABOARD]


A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

[GOLF TEEOFF]


A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

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[CANS]

One man (lets call him Johnny) came to gun shop.
J(ohnny):I want a pistol
S(alesman):Choose from this wall (points at wall full of pistols)
J: (points at biggest pistol) I want this,
S: A .44 Magnum? And for what purpose?
J: For shooting cans.
S: (points on smaller handgun) For shooting cans. this one is the best.
J: (points again on .44) No, I want this one.
S: And what cans will you shoot at?
J: Um...Mexi-cans, Portori-cans, Afri-cans