Funny jokes

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WHY WE HAVE SO MANY TEMPLES, IF GOD IS EVERYWHERE ?
A WISE MAN SAID : AIR IS EVERYWHERE, BUT WE STILL NEED A FAN TO FEEL IT .

SOLDIER : SIR WE ARE SURROUNDED FROM ALL SIDES BY ENEMIES !
MAJOR : EXCELLENT ! WE CAN ATTACK IN ANY DIRECTION.

He was happily married - but his wife wasn’t.

Keep talking. I always yawn when I’m interested.

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can’t count that high.

There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.

Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being.

We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you’ve never used it.
[FUNNY CAR NAMES]
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed -> - > -> -> -> -> -> -> lol

BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

[Excuses Written By Parents]
1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father’s fault.

4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.

[Funny Definitions]
Beauty Parlor:
A place where women curl up and dye

Cannibal:
Someone who is fed up with people

Dust:
Mud with the juice squeezed out

Egotist:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation

Gossip:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage

Handkerchief:
Cold storage

Inflation:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper

Raisin:
Grape with a sunburn lol

Tomorrow:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today

Microsoft vs GM
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.”

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, “Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?”

And…

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

Net Addiction
Top Signs of Net Addiction
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You get a tattoo that reads “This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3 or higher.”

You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap…and your child in the overhead compartment.

You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
You laugh at people with 28,800 modems.

Mad Cow Signs
Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.

She refuses to let you milk her, saying “Not on the first date.”

Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.

Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow’s body.

Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.

Your cow insists that evaporated milk comes from dehydrated cows.

She starts giving you Milk of Magnesia.

Why Golf Is Better Than Sex
Top 10 reasons why golf is better than sex:
1. Choice of public or private courses

2. Lessons are available

3. If you’re good you can turn pro and do it full time

4. Can clean balls at every hole

5. Choice of wood, aluminium or graphite

6. The less strokes the better

7. If you lose a ball, you still have two left

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more to come gota take a break

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CHINESE PHRASES

Shai Gai: A bashful person

Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?

Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive

Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile

Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?

Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice.

Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host

Kum Hia: Approach me

Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table